One year later...

It was a year ago today that we had to say goodbye (for now) to my little girl, my sweet Payton.  A year ago today my heart broke, never to heal fully.

A friend told me that the first year is always the hardest.  I understand why.  For me, it has been the back and forth of emotions, smiling and crying at once.  Part of me wants to fast forward to a time when the sadness isn't so intense and the other part of me wants to go back and relive all the time I shared with her.  This makes it so hard to live in the present.  

Over the last few months, I've felt like I've been losing her all over again. I've been desperate to watch videos and look at photographs to remember her and what it was like to have her here with me.  But right now I still get sad reminiscing because it reminds me of how much I lost.  I know she would not want me to mourn her forever, so I try to be strong and happy.  But I also try to allow myself moments of weakness and sadness.

It still amazes me how much I truly love Payton.  She was my child.  I don't like to compare myself to parents who have lost children but that's what I feel like.  A friend recently wrote that "if love could have saved Payton, she would have lived forever".  This is true not only because of our love for her, but she gave so much in return.  On Payton's blog last year, I described how in her last moments she used all the strength left in her little body to smile and wag her tail at us when the oxygen chamber was opened.  

She was so very sick and yet all she cared about was us.  I get so tense and emotional just thinking about it, and I will never understand why such a perfect soul had to endure so much and leave this earth so soon.  Payton's illness and struggles were a constant reminder that the end would come at some point, and yet I was still not ready. I don't think anyone ever is. I know she is free from the sickness and pain and her body is restored but I am selfish and want her here with me.
 
I long for the day when we can be together again, when I can hold her and kiss her.  But until that day, I will continue on as best I can to live in a way that makes her proud.  I'm still shocked at how many emails I get, about 2-3 a month, from those whose pugs are experiencing seizures or have been diagnosed with PDE. It was always difficult, but with Payton gone, it's even harder. However, I persevere in her honor, proud to carry her story and help others from our experiences. She will always be such an inspiration.  

I have come to realize that I will always carry this profound loss with me, that I will always miss Payton, but as time goes by, it does become easier to live with the pain.  I am still a work in progress, but I sleep better, smile more often, have a lot less anxiety, and can see a light in the distance.  Donald and Daisy can't replace Payton nor eliminate the pain, but they have brought joy back into our lives. And as long as I try to live as Payton did, keeping my senses open to experience the special moments that life has in store for me, I know I will be happy.  A friend suggested that Payton pops in on her special friends.  This made me laugh thinking about her nosing around (probably trying to steal kibble), so the next time something around the house reminds me of her, I'm going to imagine her visiting me too.

As a symbol of her life, I'm going to make the Pink Flowers for Payton campaign an annual tradition each spring.  In addition to a full vegetable garden and herbs, I will be planting these beauties on Sunday.

I'll leave you with two videos looking back at memories from Payton's remarkable life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6i6g1sa0XQ
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcbWV7jElE4 

Love,
Christy 

PS.  I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend, enjoying family and friends.

 

Happy Birthday angel Payton!

My sweet angel, I hope you are having a good morning in heaven today.  I'm sure all of your friends are celebrating and singing and dancing on this special day.  I am too.  We will be having a feast tonight for dinner, prime rib, in your honor.  I wish you could be here to have some with us.  Maybe you will get to chow down on some juicy meat in heaven.  Enjoy your day, I'm sure there will be quite a party.  You deserve all things that your heart wants, today and every day.  I am thinking about you now and always.  I miss you.  Happy Birthday, Payton!
Love you,
Momma

I am really struggling not being able to hold and kiss my girl today.  Although in the back of my mind, I knew her little body was getting tired, I expected Payton to be with us for her 10th birthday.  We knew there was never a guarantee that we'd have another day, another week, another month, another year, but when she kept beating all the odds...4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...why not 10?  I just don't like that she's gone.  I never will, but I try to imagine how much fun she will be having today in such a wondrous place, and I know she feels my love.  I will be savoring the tasty dinner tonight and know that she will be smiling.  I hope each of you can spoil yourself today with a special treat in Payton's honor - something that really makes your eyes bug out of your head and makes you loose all self control - like Payton did at her party last year.

Love,
Christy

Remembering Pugnacious P! (part 2)

When I think about Payton, inevitably I remember how crazy she was about food.

 
Many of you may recognize this photo as Payton's Blogger profile pic.  It was taken on a sunny day in St. Louis when Tim and I took our girl to The Boathouse in Forest Park for lunch by the water and then a romp in the fields by the Museum of Art.  It would have been the perfect day for an ice cream cone.  Like the time we made a special treat for Payton.
http://pugnaciousp.blogspot.com/2011/06/cone-destroyer.html

She was always a happy pug eating out with us...or eating in with us too...she wasn't picky.  Here's a post showing P's normal spot during meal times, regardless of our location.
http://pugnaciousp.blogspot.com/2011/10/under-table.html 

I can't recall too many times that she wasn't in the kitchen with me when I was messing around.  She was the best sous chef I could ask for.  And of course during clean up after eating, so would always do her part to make sure no crumbs were left behind in the dining room.
http://pugnaciousp.blogspot.com/2011/12/wordless-wednesdaypatroling-dining-room.html

Payton was never to proud to beg.  She would paw at us and bark trying to convince us to share.  I know that she would have thought about sticking out her tongue at us when we didn't give her a nibble, just like in this post.

http://pugnaciousp.blogspot.com/2011/12/can-i-have.html

I think you will all agree with me that this video, and Payton's "focused" eyes, show just how much she loved food.

There's no doubt she had it good, but I do wish we had given in to her a bit more.  She deserved it.  :-)

Love,

Christy  

Playing with Daddy!

I think these two videos really show off Donald and Daisy's unique personalities and noises and how much they both really like to play!

I hope they have inspired you to play a bit more and have some fun this weekend!

Love,
Christy

All about Daisy!

As you probably assumed from photos, Daisy is a petite sweetheart!

She is only about 12 pounds, is estimated to be 6 years old, and has a smooth silver/stone fawn coat that is slightly "smutty" (more black hairs and a blurred face mask).  She can be shy and is extremely submissive.  Her tail is down more than I'd like or am used to with a pug, which is a shame since it has such an adorable loop.  It perks up when anyone comes home/visits, when the harness and leash come out, when it's meal time, and when playing.  Daisy is agile like a cat with mad jumping and climbing skills.  Here she is on the back of the couch.

It must be her long and lean frame.

Maybe that's why she has a bit of a waddle to her walk...oh, I mean sashay.  ;-)  And she frequently army crawls.

I think she does this to scratch her belly.  Daisy suffers from allergies, but luckily they are controlled easily with frequent ear cleanings, a bit of pumpkin in her food, and a Benadryl as needed.

I haven't been able to envision a fun persona for Daisy yet.  I think it's been hard because she is very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  That dainty face of hers reminds us of a tiny mouse, yet her voice is deep like a gorilla!  When I hear her, specifically when she snores, growls, and sighs/moans in disdain, it always makes me think about the Disney Tarzan movie where Jane sounds it out...GOR-IL-LA!  Yeah, I'm weird like that.  Anyway...  When she barks and yips during playtime, when someone is at the door, or when she is at her most vocal (in the morning yelling at us to get out of bed and feed her), Daisy sounds very raspy like singer Kim Carnes (Bette Davis Eyes)!

I promise I will get more video that better shows off her vocal talents.  So believe it or not, underneath that calm exterior lies a crazy beast!  This reserved girl turns into a very aggressive player - almost psychotic.

Growls and barks, loves attacking toys, playing tug, and biting humans.  If you blow gently on her face she will lick and bite your lips and nose!  She often is in the mood to butt run and have someone chase her.

Daisy insists on sleeping under the covers at night, and so unlike the lady that she is, her underarms get clammy and stinky - almost as if she sweats.

Better not let her know I said that.  It could mean trouble for me.  ;-)  Yes, don't let her fool you, Daisy can be quite the demanding diva...or maybe [hu] man-eater is more appropriate.

She knows how to work her cuteness to have everyone in the room fawning all over her and doing whatever she wants.  She HATES nail trims.  HATES them.  A lot.  It's a miracle that I can get them done.  It reminds me of a game of Twister.  Despite loving walks and picking up scent mail, she HATES the grass - dry or otherwise.

She walks on it like a kid playing that the floor is lava.  I must admit it's hilarious.  And although she squats to pee, Daisy lifts her back right leg at the same time.  She is a silly girl!  Daisy is obsessed with meal times and will beg when Tim and I eat, but (probably because of trust issues) is very finicky when taking treats and, to our dismay, is NOT food motivated (for training purposes). 

Like Donald, poor Daisy has to put up with a list of alternate names and be expected to respond to:

• Daisy Mae
• Miss Daisy
• Daisy-kins
• Dollop of Daisy
• Captain Insano
• Daiz (pronounced like "days")
• Daisy with her tail up

In addition to those nicknames I should probably add Tiffy.  Daisy reminds me so much of Tiffy that I find myself calling her by the wrong name too often.  I joke to myself that they are sisters from different misters.  It *could* be possible as they are both Texas girls.

Daisy was found on the streets with mange and bad dry eyes.  Luckily for her and us, the selfless folks at PugHearts rescue in Houston saved her.  We think she is a puppy mill or back yard breeder survivor and seems to have had little to no socialization with other dogs and/or a very aggressive, terrifying breeding experience.  We also think it is possible that she was neglected by a lady or that it was a woman running the "kennel" where she was kept.

Most likely as a result of her past, Daisy is uninterested in other dogs and gets nervous when Donald tries to play with her, or even when he is making lots of his noises/growling while playing with Tim or I or a toy.  It breaks our hearts to see her run away from Donald and for him to look at us wondering why.  He will sometimes bark at her in frustration.  Donald isn't the only one ignored.  She doesn't care to pay much attention to me.  It's obvious that she prefers men to women, almost like she thinks they are better protectors and can trust them.  She tends to sulk when Tim is away and stays in her bed for the most part during the day despite my attempts to play or cuddle.

Please leave me alone.
I'm waiting for dad to get home,
and I can't be bothered with anything until then.

But when Tim is home, she lights up.  To say that she is attached to him is a big understatement!  And of course, he just adores her.  

Daisy is daddy's girl.  She will follow him everywhere.  Tim tested her by wandering around the house, even circling the kitchen island and coffee table.  Daisy was there with him every step.  When Tim is home she doesn't mind laying next to Donald or playing with one of us while Donald is occupied.

I don't want to mislead anyone, Daisy is a very happy pug and she loves being doted on!  And we have made some progress on her insecurities.  In the last few weeks, even days, she has been keeping her tail up more often, she has occasionally growled at Donald's advances when she is on her daddy's lap, I (yes ME) got her to wag her tail the other day just by talking to her, and she has been showing interest in cuddling on the couch and playing with me when Tim isn't around.  Daisy was only in foster care for a couple of months before we adopted her so I think she is still warming up to the idea of living a normal life.  We think Daisy will continue to come out of her shell, and I can't wait to share her growth with all of you!

Love,
Christy

All about Donald!

Someday I will tell you all about how Donald found his way home with us, but for now, I want to tell you all about him.

He was saved from the streets in Texas, heart worm positive (negative now thank goodness!).  Probably dumped by a puppy mill or back yard breeder is our guess.  He is estimated to be about 5 years old.  He was named Donald because his rescuers at PugHearts thought his "noises" sounded like a duck.

Donald loves his duckie from Urban Hounds!

I think he tries to talk and whines like a baby when he is anxious.  I have heard him say "I want my momma" many times.  Seriously.  He comes close in this video when I left the car to get some food on our drive home from Texas.  I'll try to get a better one later.

He also makes perfect sounding "ruffs" and "arfs" when barking and regularly throws his head back howling "woo-woos".  Check him out at my parents' house.

Donald has one of the most expressive faces and loves to communicate.  I swear he likes to have conversations...and tell me what to do.

So far in only 3 months, Donald has racked up the following nicknames (in order of most frequently used):

• Donald Man
• The Nibbler
• Big D
• Mr Donald
• Little Man
• The Donald
• Benjamin Button

Donald is as cute as a button.  He is a little guy at only 14 lbs, but has that husky pug shape.  He has a handsome golden fawn coloring.  His skin is very wrinkly, and he has a scruffy neck.  And please, don't get me started on the most adorable little pug feet with black hairs by his nails.

With the large wrinkle on his forehead, he reminds me so much of Salinger sometimes.  He has become quite a tail wagger.  His whole back side wiggles when he wags his tail, which has the most perfect curl I've ever seen.

Yes, Donald is a momma's boy.

No denying it, he melts my heart.  He is a pro at cuddling and loves empty laps, especially mine.  Every night he sleeps curled up by my side with his head on my shoulder.  He gives the sweetest kisses.  Donald likes his daddy too, but we have a special bond.  I can't express the joy he gives me, and I hope I am making him happy too.  Unfortunately, maybe because of this bond, I am trying to get him over separation anxiety.  We had to take a break working on this because of the holidays, but we'll get back at it soon.  I'm looking forward to testing out the Thunder Shirt.

Since Donald is so talkative, it's hard to imagine him having a different voice, but I envision his persona to be a combination Scooby and Scrappy Doo or maybe like Chester and Spike from Looney Tunes.  He is scared of many normal household items if he hasn't experienced them before, yet he is dominate and can be very pushy and bossy.  I imagine he wants to be cool just like Sid.  Yes, Donald is an alpha dog (somewhat unusual trait for a male) and loves to act all tough (even though a blow-dryer is his nemesis...ssshhh, don't tell him I said so).

Donald prefers the ladies.  He can get along fine with all other dogs from what we have seen before and after we adopted him, but he seems to want to play with the girl pugs.  And he can't wait to meet a special girl in California - Tiffy!  Donald loves to play.  He's hoping that Tiffy will run around with him on their first date.  Unfortunately Daisy wants nothing to do with him (more on that in another post).  So far Donald hasn't met a toy he doesn't like.  His Nylabone from his second foster mom is his night time binkie.  He loves to chew it in the big bed.  He will bite at the squeakers, but he's not set on killing them or totally destroying the stuffies either.  He likes to bite our hands, nibbling like he's eating corn on the cob (hence one of his nicknames) - just like his buddy Rupert.

He growls viciously when playing but no need to be afraid, it only means he's having fun.  One of his favorite things is to hold a toy with his paws biting at it while on his back.  Adorable.

Donald has his own version of the pug butt run.  He has to be really riled up and he doesn't do it very often.  Sorry this video is a little all over the place but it was so hard to film.  And in all honesty, it really doesn't do it justice.  It's just one of those things you have to see in person to really appreciate.

I'm guessing he doesn't run around a lot because of his bad back/hips/legs.  We aren't quite sure what is up, but he's not in pain.  He has a hard time jumping on the couch and is a bit clumsy while playing sometimes, but he doesn't let those things bother him.  We will likely have it checked out by a specialist soon to make sure there's not anything we can do now to help correct it, or at least prevent further issues as he ages.  Despite that, he has the most regal quick walk, just like a show pug.

He enjoys being outside and going for walks.  Loves all the smells and scoping out the neighborhood.

Donald is an impressive marker.  He has many peeing styles and will even poop mark (with or without leg lifted)!  Unfortunately, I think the grass (more specifically the high levels of mold in it thanks to the Midwest climate) is contributing to Donald's allergies.  They can be bad, lots of itching and scratching.  He is already on a great quality, restricted diet and we haven't found an antihistamine that seems to work for him.  I think come spring we will have to get him tested for the allergy shots so he won't have to be on steroids.

He loves food, is very treat motivated, barks and hops at meal time.  This is good since so far treats have helped him to get over his nervousness of new objects (even the hairdryer).  Here is a video just before breakfast that his foster mom sent me this summer.

If you can believe it, he is even more animated now so I'll have to get an updated video to post sometime.  Despite his passion for food, he doesn't beg when Tim and I eat.  I can even have a snack on the couch with him on my lap and not worry about it.  Now if I were to leave the room with the plate in reach, that is a whole other story...

I could probably go on and on about my boy, but this is plenty for now.  Next up, Daisy!

Love,
Christy